PUTIN AND TRUMP ON THE PHONE (Selections from forthcoming comic novel by U.R. Bowie, "ONE TON")

My new comic novel, ONE TON: THE TRUE AND HEARTRENDING TALE OF A FATBOY'S TRIUMPH, is scheduled for publication in the next couple of months. This is the funniest thing I've ever written, HAR, HAR, HAR (I can't stop laughing).

Composed in the spirit of my favorite movie, "Dr. Strangelove," the novel tells the story of Leland (The Blob) Lebeau, hunger artist extraordinaire--who aspires to be the first human in history to attain to the weight of 2000 pounds.

Featured as characters in the book are, among others, Donald J. Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong-Un.

Here is an excerpt, describing the first phone conversation between Putin and Trump, immediately following the latter's inauguration as President.

Over in Moscow President Putin was on the phone, making his first official phone call to the new President.

            --Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Is that you, Donald?

            --Speaking. How’s it going, Vlad? How’s it hanging?

            --Going good, always going good, hanging high. If it were going gooder or hanging higher we’d have good beyond mere good; we’d have the ultimate goodest of the good and the highest of the high hang (joked Vlad the Impaler).

            The Trumpster laughed wholeheartedly, though he didn’t get the joke. Russian humor (he thought). Sad.

            --Let me say first off, Mr. President . . . oh, is it all right if I call you Pussy Snatcher?

            --Sure, Vlad. That’s fine. All my friends call me that. The American people came up with that affectionate nickname.

            --Okay, well, first off, Pussy Snatcher, congratulations on being elected. When we first heard you were running, my people in the FSB said, and I quote, “That fat sap ignorant fucker don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of winning.”

            --Well, they were right. I didn’t. But I did!

            Now it was Putin’s turn to fake laughter. That must have been a joke, so I better laugh. The Trumpster joined in cackling, and the two laughed together for thirty seconds straight. Putin was the first to go on with the conversation.

            --So how has it been, being President for the first few weeks?

            --A lot of fun, Vlad. Fun, fun. Terrific.

            --Yeah. But then, the responsibility sometimes hangs heavy on your neck.

            --That’s what Obama told me: responsibility. But actually, I find the job kind of boring. They want me to read all these crappy intelligence reports. But if I did that it would take away from my tweeting time. And watching Fox News.

            --I see. What’s this about the courts putting the quietus on your anti-Muslim decrees?

            --No problem. It’s like swatting flies. So-called judges. Sad.

            --Strange country you got there, buddy, the way the court system works. Sticking its nose into presidential ukases.

            --How does in work in Russia?

            --Easy. No sticking of the noses. Then again, we have court trials, but the verdict is decided before, not after the proceedings.

            --Who decides?

            --I do.

            --Sounds like a good system. You and me, we got to get together and talk over that. Plus a few more things.

            --Like what?

            --Well, for example, we’ll be pulling out of NATO soon, those suckers don’t pay their fair share. It’s a bad deal. So you and I, we got to figure out what happens next. Like, for example, you can have Estonia back if you like.

            Putin narrowed his eyes and spoke now in a whisper.

            --What will you be asking in return?

            --Not much. Just your help in bombing ISIS back to the Stone Age, bombing all the Muslims in Iraq, Libya, Egypt. Stuff like that.

            --Sounds like a deal, Donald. You got it.

            --One other thing, Vlad. Might need your advice with some lying we’re doing.

            --Lying?

            --Yeah. We’re trying to figure out how best to bamboozle. We’ve come up so far with ‘alternative facts’ for every issue. Plus some doublethink and newspeak, you know? Maybe you could lend your expertise.

            --Hm. I’d like to help you, but lying was never in my lesson plan.

            --Really?

            --I’ve never told a lie in all my born days. I swear it on my mother’s grave.

            --Um. Okay.

            --HAR, HAR. Fooled you, fooled you, had my fingers crossed when I said that! HAR, HAR.  

Once again the Trumpster joined in with the laughter, although he didn’t find the joke funny. The two world leaders laughed together for another thirty seconds. Finally Putin spoke up again.

--Got to run, Mr. President. I’m on my way to help out some cranes.

            --Cranes.

            --Yeah, some sand-hill cranes are gearing up for their semi-annual migration, and I’ll be the guy in the crane suit, flying a tiny crane-looking aircraft and guiding them back to their nesting sites.

            --I see. . . . Well, have a good flight, Vlad.

            --Oh, before we hang up, I want to tell you something funny, Pussy Snatcher.

            --Right. Go ahead.

            --I looked up the word ‘trump’ in the Oxford English Dictionary, and guess what it said?

            --I don’t know. Trumpeter? Bridge player? Dealmaker? Brilliant mind?

            --It said, and I quote, “(slang) an audible act of breaking wind.”

            Vlad the Impaler went off into paroxysms of hearty laughter, while the Big Orange Pussy Snatcher sat bewildered, holding the phone in one tiny hand and staring off into space.

            --Oh, one other thing, Mr. President.

            --What’s that, Vlad?

            --Remember when you were in Moscow four years ago for the Miss Universe competitions?

            --Yeah. What about it?

            --Remember when we made a gift to you of Miss Uzbekistan, and Miss Chechnya, and Miss Tajikistan, and they went back to your room in the Metropole Hotel?

            --Sure. What about it?

            --Well, hate to spring this on you, Pussy Snatcher, but we’ve got videos of your bare ass. Real high quality stuff.

            --So what?

            --Just this. You do what we say from now on, or your bare ass will be on every TV screen and internet screen in the world.

            --That’s great, Vlad. Thanks!

            --Huh? What’s great?

            --It’s great for the notoriety. Then again, what a treat for the world! My bare ass is a beautiful sight. Terrific. Thanks again, buddy.