Bella Akhmadulina
Белла Ахмадулина
(1937-2010)
(1937-2010)
Однажды,
покачнувшись на краю
всего, что есть, я ощутила в теле
присутствие непоправимой тени,
куда-то прочь теснившей жизнь мою.
Никто не знал,
лишь белая тетрадь
заметила, что я задула свечи,
зажженные для сотворенья речи, –
без них я не желала умирать.
Так мучилась! Так
близко подошла
к скончанью мук! Не молвила ни слова.
А это просто возраста иного
искала неокрепшая душа.
Я стала жить и
долго проживу.
Но с той поры я мукою земною
зову лишь то, что не воспето мною,
всё прочее – блаженством я зову.
1960
d
Literary
Translation/Adaptation by U.R. Bowie
Once
Once, while staggering and reeling
on the brink
of all that is, I sensed, my inner spirit singeing,
the presence of a shade relentless and rose-pink
that pressed on me, upon my life impinging.
No one but my sketchpad pure white
beheld
how I blew out the candle flames of yearning,
the ones that watched my lucubrations swell;
I did not want to die with them still burning.
Agony! Quite near I came to
putting end to torment,
but not a word I uttered, nothing, naught.
A simple growing older, a change of age and ferment
my fledgling, still unwingéd soul then sought.
After that I started living, a
long life’s yet to come,
but since that time what things are anguish-hued
I call just those that by me are unsung;
all else on earth I term beatitude.
of all that is, I sensed, my inner spirit singeing,
the presence of a shade relentless and rose-pink
that pressed on me, upon my life impinging.
how I blew out the candle flames of yearning,
the ones that watched my lucubrations swell;
I did not want to die with them still burning.
but not a word I uttered, nothing, naught.
A simple growing older, a change of age and ferment
my fledgling, still unwingéd soul then sought.
but since that time what things are anguish-hued
I call just those that by me are unsung;
all else on earth I term beatitude.
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